


Lonely

by yuzuruhanyutrash



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Feels, Gen, Loneliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-09 04:35:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12269007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuzuruhanyutrash/pseuds/yuzuruhanyutrash
Summary: He had experienced and was ok with loneliness.He willingly looked out for it, more often than he could count.But now it was 1AM and he was crying, in the dark of his room, trying not to make too many noises that could wake up his mom...





	Lonely

**Author's Note:**

> It's almost 2AM, I needed to get this feelings out of my system, I'm sorry, this sh*t is kinda personal...

What was happening?  
As Yuzuru clenched his pajama shirt into his fist, his first thought went to his chronic disease.  
Was it asthma?  
But what could have triggered it? He was just… crying.  
He put a hand on his heart and went to check his pulse on his wrist.  
His heart was beating a little faster, but nothing more.  
The tightness on his chest was almost unbearable, while tears were overflowing from his eyes.  
He hated this.  
He hid his head in his pillow to suffocate his sobbing, while his hand was blindly looking for his phone.  
1 AM. It was already 8AM in Japan.  
Yuzuru was sure that Shoma was already up, getting ready to get on the ice.  
He had completed his early morning’s off ice training, listening to anime openings and such, and was now putting on his skating boots.  
He knew all his routine by heart.  
Still, he hadn’t sent him his usual morning’s text.  
Yuzuru opened LINE just to double check.  
Their latest conversation was two days prior.  
Kanako hadn’t answered to the silly picture he had sent her.  
Nobu hadn’t written to him in ten days.  
He closed the app and clenched his fist tighter over his heart.  
He just wanted to pass out, so he wouldn’t feel that pain in his chest.  
Yuzuru had known since a long time what going to live abroad meant.  
He had experienced and was ok with loneliness.  
He willingly looked out for it, more often than he could count.  
But now it was 1AM and he was crying, in the dark of his room, trying not to make too many noises that could wake up his mom.  
He loved and dreaded that feeling.  
He needed to be lonely in order to perfectly focus on his performance, but when he was off the ice…  
Yuzuru was just another human being.  
He wanted to talk with his friends. He wanted to laugh with them. He wanted to support them and have their support.  
But he was also tired. Tired to be the only one looking out for them.  
If he wasn’t the one initiating the conversations, entire days could pass without a single message.  
Of course, he knew they were very busy, or so they would tell him when he asked them.  
Nobu and Kanako had their lives; Shoma has his intensive daily training…  
Was it selfish, to hope for them to care more about him?  
Yuzuru tried to sit on his bed, moving away his pillow so to rest his back on the wall.  
He turned on his phone again and opened his messages, writing a short question to Javier.  
He was sure he was still awake, playing with his PS4 or around Toronto with his friends.  
Sometimes he envied him: the easiness he had for knowing new people and having fun around them.  
Yuzuru didn’t like Toronto too much, because he was afraid of using his English in front of strangers.  
Despite that, he still wondered what he could do, if he was less self-conscious and he could drink alcohol.  
He looked at his phone screen again.  
Five minutes had passed.  
No answer from the other side.  
One hand was on his abs, trying to control the little spasm he was having for crying to hard.  
The other hand was rummaging inside his bedside table’s drawer, looking for his inhalator, just to be sure.  
He was feeling like his whole face was on fire and his skin was getting drier because of his salty tears.  
He got back under his blanket, trying to hold himself up and to calm down.  
“They’re just busy, they will answer.”  
But were they? Or would he have to be forced to contact them first, once again?  
The spasm were now under control, as he tried to remember all his breathing exercises.  
He was trying to internalize this dreadful feeling to unleash it when needed.  
“It will get better” he kept repeating himself.  
There was nothing bad into being the only person to do the first move.  
They were still his friends.  
Keeping his eyes closed, he tried to empty his mind by thinking of relaxing things.  
The sound of water in Japanese temple’s fountains; the wind going through the highest branches of the trees in Sendai; the smooth texture of the earth he touched when wandering around Toronto’s parks; the sound of wood burning inside a cozy fireplace.  
It was hard and tiring, to distract his thoughts from that deep, dark place inside his head, that kept calling him.  
He got sad, and then mad and then felt lonely again several times.  
He managed to fall asleep only after almost two hours.  
His mind was finally silent and free.

“Hey! Did you fell asleep last night?” – Seen 06:24  
“Yeah, sorry Yuzu. See you later at Cricket” – Sent 06:29

**Author's Note:**

> At this point I usually have a long message with all my fanfics link. Not today tho.  
> But I have tons of ["better"](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuzuruhanyutrash/works) fanfics on my profile, go look for them if angst is not your cup of tea!  
>   
> Also, feel free to talk to me on [Instagram!](https://www.instagram.com/yuzuruhanyutrash/?hl=it), if you want...  
> I'm always up for fangirling, crying over figure skating and fanfic prompts!


End file.
